Women's March on Washington, FOMO and The Dark Side of the Resistance

Well, I'm dusting off the ol' blog that hasn't been visited in two years to share some feelings about the Women's March on Washington. It was great to see so many women unite and to be supported but I just have not been able to shake a great sense of dissonance over the march. It has even haunted my dreams, so I'm hoping by sharing another voice, that I will get back some peace of mind.

Am I the only one that feels like my gender was exploited this weekend?

Did these women who marched even know what the march was advocating for?

I think Trump is a pig and his locker room talk made me ill....should I have marched to communicate that?

What precedent will this march set for future elections/inaugurations, etc, etc?

What message does this send to the women who voted for Trump?

I want equality in the workplace....so does that mean I should have marched?

Is this really what solidarity looks like? Why do I feel so manipulated?

So many emotions. I've experienced them leading up to the march. I experienced them yesterday during the march and I find they are still lingering (along with all the social media posts about the march) today. Am I experiencing a level of FOMO? Yes, I think I am. Am I also feeling frustrated with the organization and the march itself? Yes, I am. Am I feeling like my gender was taken for a ride yesterday? Yes, I am.

I've seen posts that say they felt "healing" and "solidarity" and I think that's great. I want those things for my friends. I've seen posts that share #whyImarch and their given reason is something I can totally support. But I've also been wondering if these women knew everything that this march stood for? Or did they not get the memo? Did they know they were marching for "pro-choice"? Did they know that "pro-life" supporters were meant to be excluded? Did they know this march was for "ending police brutality"? Did they know the march was for "caregivers","minimum wage","immigration reform","clean water and clean air (climate change)" and more? The list goes on, you can read the "vision" here.

I believe in transparency and I sure hope that all the women who associated their name with this march, clearly understood, accepted and embraced all of the objectives. It just feels sneaky to claim this was a chance for women to unite in solidarity and then slip in that you have a "bold message of resistance".

They claimed is was a peaceful protest but still saying "I'm with her" having celebrities like Madonna claim this is the start of the "rebellion" and that she wishes she could "blow up the Whitehouse" doesn't really count as peaceful in my book.

It was too much and it's not peaceful to try to overthrow our newly and fairly elected president. I just can't get behind it and I feel sick to my stomach thinking that there were probably many women who did not fully understand what they were advocating for.

The organization claimed it was not an anti_Trump protest....but I'm pretty sure it was for a lot of participants...again - it should be clear. It should be unified.

This is #whyIdidn'tmarch and why I feel so bad about the march. Honestly? I feel bullied. The loudest voices are yelling what it means to be a "strong woman" and it comes across as "if you're not with us, you're against us". Can't I be for equality for women, be pro-life, be concerned about police brutality but also not join the Black Lives Matter movement AND still be a strong woman? Is that really not an option? Is there only one way to be the best kind of woman? Do I have to be "Nasty" and have voted for Hillary? (Which by the way, if you're really her follower, then why are you protesting? She was all smiles and graciousness at the inauguration. She's accepting the results and moving on. Maybe consider following that example as well.) Is there really not room for all of us, women?

I want so much for our country to accept our democratic process (I know, I know, you have the right to protest as part of democracy. I don't need a history lesson.) we elected a president. He may not be your first choice but I wish Americans would move forward. What happens the next time we have an election? What then? I want America to heal. And just one last request - if you are a person who can't understand how anyone could vote for Trump - I would encourage you to make a list of five positive, maybe even honorable, reasons that could have led someone to vote for him. Let's try to understand each other better. That's what unity and solidarity looks like to me.

My thoughts on Kate Kelly and the LDS equality dialogue

So, I kept going back and forth about whether I should post anything after the news of Kate Kelly broke and there was a lot of dialogue about women and their role in the LDS faith. I've decided to post but really don't feel obligated to read...I just felt like there was a chance that some of my friends might be curious what my thoughts were about all of this. If that description fits you, then please read on. I myself am pretty tired of the subject and don't necessarily want to call more attention to it but here I am writing anyway. As far as Kate Kelly and her membership status of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints goes, I don't really have much to say. I don't have any judgement about whether I think it was the right thing to do or not. I will say this about excommunication, it does not have to be an ending for anyone. It is something that happens in the church for a few reasons, in this instance it drew attention because of the position Kate Kelly has made for herself but this is by no means an isolated incident and I truly do not believe that the leaders involved in the decision had any manipulative intent. I think they did the best they knew how in the circumstances. So this is the bottom line for me that brings me great comfort as I go along in my day to day life - I have been taught and I firmly believe in a just and merciful God. I believe He knows the real intent of our hearts and I believe that He provides every possible opportunity for His children to gain their salvation. He sent His son to atone for all of us and to make salvation possible for everyone. I also believe in eternal progression and that we will get to continue to work out our salvation after this life. (Though I do believe our choices matter on this earth as well.) Okay, so now to address the question of women and the priesthood and equality in the LDS church. One of my favorite things that anyone has said to me is this, "You know....they say the female sex is supposed to be mild. But you're not. Mild." I don't consider myself a suppressed or limited woman in any respect and I like to think that those who know me would agree. I do what I want. I come from a long line of strong women, in fact, one of my great, great (I think it's two greats) grandmothers Martha Jane Knowlton Coray was the first woman to serve on the board of trustees for Brigham Young Academy which we now know as Brigham Young University. If you read the account I have linked to, you will see that she was a champion for education and a peer of the men in the church including the prophet, Brigham Young. My own mother was a strong woman. She valued education very much, all of her seven children have graduated from college and five of the seven have graduate degrees. She taught in the ghetto of Chicago when she and my dad lived here in the 70s. I always saw her as a leader in my ward while simultaneously offering love, acceptance and friendship to our fellow ward members and visitors. I have always seen myself as an equal and a peer to the men in my church. I feel like from a young age I learned how much my Heavenly Father loved me and I honestly feel like the teachings and even the culture of my church experience taught me that I could accomplish anything I wanted to and I've lived that way my whole life. I am always setting goals and trying to grow and I'm proud of the life I've lived. I feel like I've been able to serve right alongside the men in the church to make proposals for goals, growth and events that have been embraced and supported by my ward council. I'm kind of taking the long way to get there but my point is that I am equal and I am the only one who gets to decide if I am equal. I don't need anyone imposing any western constructs of equality or power on me to define that for me. I am the only one who gets to make that decision. I am tired of voices saying that I'm not equal because I vehemently disagree with that. For me I don't see equality being measured in terms of sameness. I see equality measured in terms of balance. I know my divine potential and that's enough for me. I don't need any calling or priesthood in this life to tell me that I'm equal. I know I already am. Martha Jane was described this way and I claim this for myself as well, "Very early in life she evinced a character in a degree somewhat rare for one of her sex--that is, of decidedly doing her own thinking; hence, before adopting any principle of religion, law, or politics, whether proposed by father, husband, priest, or king, she must clearly see and understand for herself the righteousness and consistency of the matter."

One last tribute to Governor Romney

Well, it's over....but before I'm forced to move "FORWARD", I want to take a minute and pay one last tribute to my very favorite presidential candidate of all time, Mitt Romney. I'm not exaggerating. The first time I heard the name Mitt Romney I was a freshman at BYU (which was a while ago....). The winter Olympics were in crisis and I saw him come in and be a hero. I was impressed, so it was easy for me to recognize that name when I heard that he was running for Governor of Massachusetts. Then in 2008 I heard that Governor Romney was running for President and I paid attention to that primary. It's still a mystery to me how John McCain came out of that the nominee...but Obama was elected and I decided to hope for the best. Well, a year later I graduated with my master's in mass communications, ready for my career in PR.....only it was the worst of the recession and jobs were hard to come by. The two year cycle of temp work, freelance writing and PR internships began. Not awesome. If you knew me at that time, you probably heard me say a time or two, "Man....I really wish Romney was President right now." Then I heard that Mitt Romney was running for President in 2012 and I was stoked. I met this guy who came to Chicago on assignment for the Romney campaign last November to get Mitt Romney on the ballot for the primaries. I volunteered immediately....and with so much in common, how could we help but start dating? I don't even know how many times I went out in the freezing cold to knock doors and gather signatures for the Governor...but I lost my pinky toe to frostbite (okay that part is not true....but it was freezing!) After Christmas my boyfriend began working on the advance team for Governor Romney and I began to travel on the campaign trail as well. First stop, Iowa and on to Florida, Nevada, Wisconsin and here in Illinois of course. I was there the day the staff pulled their April Fools joke on Governor Romney and my cheeks hurt I was laughing so hard as the Gov retold us about that moment. I was able to get my picture with him and shake his hand a couple of times. He was always so gracious and charming. While I was trying to stay out of the way in hotels in between rallies and debates I saw first hand that Governor Romney was a very attentive and thoughtful husband to his wife Ann. I heard him speak in person at least a dozen times and over and over again, I felt reassured that Romney was exactly the man we needed for the job of President. Everyone I met on his team was sharp, driven and detail oriented. The campaign took its toll on my relationship...and sadly that ended, but I continued to be devoted to the campaign. I donated monthly and made phone calls for Get out the Vote. I watched the debates and the Frontline presidential profiles. In the past I have had preferences for a candidate, but never before have I felt so strongly that a candidate was the absolute ideal for President, but I felt that way about Governor Romney. For those who have looked at the Chicago Tribune

, you saw my face and how distraught I was by the results of the election last night. It has been a long road and I almost wish that it was longer just so that I could still have the hope that I would be able to refer to Romney as President Romney. So, before the dust settles let me give my praises to this man. He is a good man, an excellent example of charity and thoughtfulness, he is a brilliant man and would have been a wonderful President. The theme song for the post is I Cry by Flo Rida because "I cry just a little, when I think of letting go". It is hard to invest so much and have things turn out this way. I will say though, that I believe the world is a better place because Mitt Romney ran for President. It was nice to finally address and clarify some misconceptions about the religion that we share. Also, I think he has raised the bar for President Obama, and I sincerely hope that he will step up. I will continue to pray for him everyday he is in office. So goodbye to the Romney/Ryan 2012 campaign, thank you for giving us your best.

Living the Dream

Alright, so I have mentioned before that I am living the dream here in Chicago now....but a funny thing happens, when people ask me what I do and I tell them public relations they often ask, "what's that?" What's that? Let me break it down for you with this definition: People who work in the public relations industry are generally known as public relations specialists, communications specialists, or media specialists. Their primary function is to serve as advocates for their employers—businesses, hospitals, universities, nonprofit associations, and other organizations that wish to build and maintain positive relationships with the public. During a typical day, a public relations specialist may perform a wide variety of tasks. Writing press releases, booking speaking engagements, planning publicity events, managing business contacts, responding to consumer concerns, and diffusing potential conflicts are just some of the many duties that may be part of the job description for someone working in this industry. When developing a public relations plan, the public relations specialist typically follows a six step process. Research: Preliminary research helps the professional understand the variables within the case. Strategic planning: Data must be worked into a comprehensive plan of action that answers all key questions. Counseling: Experienced public relations professionals understand the importance of seeking input from others before implementing a plan. Internal education: Everyone affected by the plan must be informed of what steps will be taken. Action: The plan must be carried out, with careful notes taken to document progress. Evaluation: Determining if the plan was successful helps develop a course of action for future public relations efforts. We write, we coordinate interviews, we tweet, we post, we research, we monitor news....etc, etc. PR has also been established as the second most stressful job behind doctors. It's true. The joke in PR is "Remember, we're not saving lives!" ....and it's so funny because everyone acts like that is exactly what you're doing. I'm drawn to it because it can be so dynamic and challenging...but at the same time I have days (like today) where I feel like I'm going to have to start wearing a wig because I'm going to rip out my hair! But to give a real inside look at what a day in the life of a PR professional is like I want to share this blog with you. http://99problemsbutapitchaintone.tumblr.com/ So, this is the dream. I living in the big city working at my big girl job living the big city girl life. Theme song of the post is that one from the Devil Wears Prada

. Enjoy

Summer, Summer, Summertime

Well, it is Sept 20th, the last day of summer. I thought it fitting to write a tribute to this summer.....

but then I accidentally erased my whole blog post as I was about to finish...and now I am really tired...so I'll try to call out some of the highlights. Just know though, this post was so much better the first time I wrote it. The inspiration for this summer came from watching Selena Gomez's video for Hit the Lights (the song dedication of this post-ps. I wanted to have a summer as amazing as the one I saw in the video-and I totally did. It begins with a road trip to Nauvoo. We had such a good time that we filled up a van with people on Memorial Day and went to the (Lake Michigan version of a) beach town St Joseph. It was so cute, relaxing, fun and perfect. Over the 4th we took a trip to Milwaukee to see some fireworks, catch a tour of a brewery and go to Summerfest, the world's largest music festival. I went on a trip to DC-stayed with an ol' roommate. I visited a friend from my MA program who just happens to be Senator Mike Lee's press secretary (she's a pretty big deal) and bonus-she introduced me to the Senator (who I was very impressed with) and then they arranged a private tour of the Capitol building for me which was awesome. Oh and I saw the monuments, and the memorials and took a riverboat cruise on the Potomac. I capped off the summer road trip with some friends in Door County, WI for a long weekend camping trip over Labor Day. It was amazing. We ate breakfast at a restaurant with goats on the roof. Yes, this is literal. Please refer to my Facebook photos if you don't believe me. We ate at other fun places, I got to ride a horse and later a bike, we hung out on the beach, sort of hiked, made campfires and smores and just had a perfect time. The summer was also filled with movies in the park, beach volleyball, carnivals, concerts, dancing in the park, cubs games, boat trips and more! That-AND I managed to survive a mud run and started taking harp lessons. Like I said, this summer was really good to me. So, now it is time to say goodbye summer. It is bittersweet this time. I have loved you, but I am ready to embrace the fall. I am ready for class to start again-I will continue with harp, signed up for a couple of painting classes and bought a yoga pass. It begins! To Summer with love, Emily

Happy Anniversary Chicago

We did it Chicago! Some people said we'd never make it this far....and maybe I was one of them sometimes....but we've proved them wrong. We're still together you and I. Two years ago, I got on a plane for a three month internship with three suitcases. I didn't know what to expect...or if I would stay..but I was excited. Movies like "While You Were Sleeping" and "The Lakehouse" had made me want to live here someday and that day came on June 20th 2010. It was a rocky start. On my last anniversary I recounted my misadventure that led me to be 45 minutes late, lost and ragged on my first day of work and in the city. I've loved and lost a lot while here in Chicago. It has been a roller coaster. There have been such great high moments and there have certainly been dips, twists and turns. I went from being the girl with no dishes, sleeping on an air mattress in an otherwise empty studio apt, to living in a spacious flat with roommates and free furniture that I have acquired. It's like the "Circle of Life" with furniture in Chicago-love that. I can remember one morning in the first round of temping, being on call for work and being so grateful when the call came to go downtown. I was dressed in my skirt and blazer suit because it was the only suit I owned and got on the bus. During my bus ride I got a call that they didn't need me anymore. I was so broke, I couldn't spend the $2.50 to ride the bus back to my apt so I walked in the biting, freezing January cold in my high heels with the wind blowing fiercely, trying not to cry because it would only make me colder. Now, I am grateful to wake up every morning and know that I will walk to the brown line to get off at the Quincy stop and walk to the E-Trade Financial building across the street from the Sears/Willis Tower and take the elevator to the 26th floor where I go to work at my job in public relations. Faces that greeted me with smiles when I first moved here are slowly moving on with their lives and to new adventures. Now I have become the reassuring, welcoming smile. I have met such strong wonderful people here in Chicago. A friend of mine said of this city, "Chicago is a place to refine souls." I feel like that is true. There is so much good here....but it can also be so hard on you. I have grown so much while I have been here....but I have had to fight to stay here and make me dream a reality. I wanted to work for it...and have certainly felt the intensity of growing pains. To a certain extent, that was part of the adventure that I longed for. I looked at it as if a rite of passage. It was so much more than I bargained for. So many memories have been made here...some so that I will always keep in a very special place in my heart. It has been a ride, to be sure, but I think I've got better at buckling up and learning to throw my hands up in the air. The lake, the pier, the architecture, free festivals, concerts in the park, the art institute, water taxis, fireworks, museums. It has all been worth it. Would I do it all over again? No. But I am so grateful that it is all a part of me now. Happy Anniversary Chicago, I still love you so. The theme song for this post I think articulates how I feel about what my time in Chicago has meant to me. The Fighter . Enjoy.

It's Happening Again....

.....I don't know how this keeps happening.....but it is. I'm getting older this week. For the love. Every year I keep hoping I won't, but it's just no use. My age just keeps going up. Vicious cycle. In effect...I usually start to panic. There are just so many things I want to do with my life. So many goals I have to accomplish. Places to go people to see....and so then I feel like I have to be able to cross something off the list. This started when I turned 25. I hopped on a plane and went to Guatemala to serve in an orphanage and then joined their board of directors. When I turned 26 I got a book published and went to India. When I turned 27 I did a sprint triathlon. 28...well, I let moving to Chicago count as the big to-do for that year. This year I got a full-time job in my field, so I think that counts for something...but I just needed something a little more. I have no exceptional talent...but I've always wanted to have some of my art displayed. So I turned my birthday celebration into that goal. My good friend, Jimmy was kind enough to turn his home into an art gallery. The lovely and talented Keryn played the harp, there were flowers and fancy cheese plates. It was lovely and it was a dream come true. I am so thankful to all of my friends for supporting me in checking something off my t-do list for life. I definitely feel like I can cross this one off. Now on to the plans for next year...I've got some big ones ;) Watch out for em! Honestly though, I really was just so touched that so many people pitched in to make it happen and that many others came to support. I have such wonderful people in my life and I hope you all know how grateful I am for you. This sounds a little like a New Years post I know...but that's kind of how I view it. It's a brand new year for me and I'm ready for some really good things...and I'm willing to work hard to get them!

Merry Christmas and 2011 Wrap Up!

So....it's been a little while since I posted. Life brought me a little more than I bargained for this last month,so I've been a little busy...and it's been AMAZING! Life can be so fickle. This time it was in really good ways-so don't get me wrong, I'll take it! But, seriously, I was just relating to a friend last night a memory from a year ago now. That's right-it's time for a flashback! A year ago, I was job-hunting, nannying and temping and living off oatmeal and ramen. I took a temp job because it paid really well for just four days of work. The job was a parking survey. So last freezing, snow covered Chicago December, I was walking through the ghetto, checking to see if people pay for parking while wearing a bright neon vest. I wasn't loving it....and then, as I was finishing a particularly sketch block this middle-aged guy came up to me trying to ask me out....and then some older guy in wheelchair (who clearly was not all there) approached me and started yelling-asking me, "Did you put the boot on my chair!?" while trying to attack me. The other guy who had been trying to ask me out wheeled my attacker away, all the while still trying to spit his game amid the obscenities of my false accuser. I just took off running. As I ran, I remember thinking, "What the crap is wrong with my life. I have a master's degree....I have a master's....I have a master's......." It was a good moment. A few days later I was running to catch a bus and ate it really hard on the ice. I mean really hard, like my shoes came flying off...went up in the air and landed on my backside. I wasn't sure if I'd broken my elbow or got a concussion and I couldn't afford to go to the Dr....I wasn't insured...(I did consult with a few of my friends that were in residencies...just for the record...) and I wasn't able to fly home to be with my family for Christmas and I was pretty sad about that. Flashforward, here it is a year later, I finally scored the ideal job, the one I've been holding out for. A full-time public relations position at a firm in downtown Chicago. Legit. Deep sigh....it feels so good. I can't even tell you. As if that wasn't enough goodness for me, I met this great guy! I know right? I found myself wondering, "who's life is this?" and he reminded me that it was mine :). Good things come to those who wait. Life is good right now and I am just so grateful to feel so grateful. I had hoped that by the end of 2011 I would have a full-time job and a good relationship. It took me until the end of November/beginning of December, but it happened. Who knows what life will bring this coming year? I don't pretend to, life can be so fickle, but I will take what I can for now and just enjoy it. Might as well! So my Christmas message to you is a message of hope. Things felt really dark and cold...and it was hard to keep hoping for things I wanted for a while.....so for anyone who may be in those circumstances right now I want to remind you (or share with you)

some words that comforted my longing heart. "Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." (Sunday Will Come, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin) "I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs, and that heavenly promises are always kept. I testify that God is our Father, that Jesus is the Christ, that this is the true and living gospel—found in this, the true and living Church. I testify that President Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God, our prophet for this hour and this day. I love him and sustain him as I know you do. In the words of the Liberty Jail prison-temple experience, my young friends, “Hold on thy way. . . . Fear not . . . , for God shall be with you forever and ever” (Lessons from Liberty Jail, Jeffrey R. Holland) I am so grateful to know that Christmas is the celebration of the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for his atonement and the peace, comfort, healing and hope that that knowledge brings to my life. I am so blessed to know it and I want you to know that I know it. Merry Christmas everyone. I'm wishing you lots of love and a hope for a great New Year! Here's a link for the video Christmas card my friends and I made this year. Enjoy! and seriously....Merry Christmas!

Somehow.....Someway......Someday

I've said it before....and I'm going to go ahead and say it again. Life just hasn't really gone much like I expected it to. At this point, it really doesn't look much like I thought it would either. Especially this whole moving to Chicago bit. It has been a doozie. So much of it I have loved....but I won't deny....it's had some rough moments for sure. I've been feeling it, but doing my very best to keep pushing forward. That's all you really can do. It reminds me of this time I was driving home from Utah to Washington. I was in my little beetle and I had already kind of hit some rough patches along the way....like running out of gas two miles outside of Boise in the middle of a hot summer day...you know little things. Maybe I took a wrong exit once....it's possible. It was my first time making the drive home alone and in my (then new to me) car. Don't judge me. At any rate, I was about two hours from home when out of nowhere a thick darkness loomed ahead. It was a storm of some sort...much like "The Nothing" in Never Ending Story. It was terrifying. I could barely see behind me and could barely see in front of me. With visibility like that I didn't feel safe pulling over, I was afraid I would get hit if I did. There was nothing else I could do, but just keep going, just following the headlights of the car in front of me the best I could. It felt like an eternity passed because I was so anxious, so worn down, but I made it through and it was back to a clear Summer day. I finally made it home. Life has definitely felt like hitting that storm all over again. Between job hunting, finances, matters of the heart, family and the other bits and pieces, I just haven't felt like I've had clear vision. I feel like I've been walking forward into the darkness. At times, I've really just felt like proverbially pulling over and trying to wait out the storm.....but life doesn't work that way. My personal motto has been this: Somehow....someway.....someday..... Things will work out. Maybe not like you plan....waiting doesn't always get you you're ideal...but: somehow, someway, someday, things work out. This morning I felt like I hit one of those "pull over!" moments....it was a rough morning. Then I got a call and an offer for a PR internship. Yes, please. Agreed, an internship is not my ideal. I would really, really, really love to have a full time gig. However, some opportunities just feel like the right chance to take. This is one of those. It started by accident. I was trolling for jobs...the usual, when I saw a posting with a firm I would really like to work for. But when I went to their website, the job wasn't listed. Strange. So I tweeted said firm and asked who I could send my resume to. They tweeted me back an email adderss. The email recipient told me that they were not hiring immediately but remembered me from my first internship here in Chicago and wanted to hear about how my career was going. So we talked and she said maybe come January if I was interested, they would be hiring again. I told her to keep me on her radar and kind of put it in on the back-burner in my mind. Then I got a call from the HR contact again last week telling me that an emergency had led to an immediate need for an intern hire. Less than a week later I went in yesterday for the interview and they offered me the internship today. So I said yes. So the story goes. Is my life complete now? Nope, still need and want some things. However, do I feel like somebody turned up the lights? Yes. I feel grateful, and I'm optimistic it will be a good fit, and I'm excited. As for the rest: somehow....someway.....someday. Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap is the song of the post. Enjoy. (yes it's hyperlinked)

Great Expectations

How does the story go for Pip? He get's these ideas in his head about how he thinks his life is going to go and what he expects from people....and then finds out he's wrong most of the time. Am I getting the gist right? I'm not necessarily going for a discourse on Dicken's literary work, however, I find my mind has been mulling over this thought today. Expectations. Expectation setting is a common theme you hear in a work setting. It's important to make sure that the people working with you know what their job role and responsibilities are. In our interpersonal relationships it is the same. Most tension is rooted in expectations not matching up. How can we possibly meet someone's needs if they don't communicate them? How will we know what really hurts or upsets someone if they don't share with you what those buttons are? We won't. So, my next question is this: how do you know when you have appropriate expectations of the people in your life? Are you setting yourself up for disappointment like Pip? There is of course a common base of social norms that you are pretty safe in expecting of others....but what about the rest? I think relationships are a lot like snowflakes in that they are all beautiful, intricate and unique. You can not make a cookie mold for how you interact with everyone in your life...or you shouldn't I don't think. It comes back to this question: how do you know? Communication is key, obviously...but even then, I don't think we are even fully cognizant of the expectations we set for ourselves and others. So naturally, when you ask a question looking outward, and you're weighing things in your mind, it often requires you to take a look inward. Are your expectations for yourself too great? Are you making allowances for yourself that you shouldn't? We all have our pet, "I'm just this way" qualities. Are those okay to have? If they're harmless, that's one thing, but ask yourself. As for expectations of this adventure of life...well, that is really tricky. In the words of my internship agency founder Leo Burnett, "When you reach for the stars, you may not reach them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either." I think so many of us sell ourselves short on what we are capable of accomplishing. I have found that I can do so much more than I ever thought I would. The trick is you have to learn to leap. I'm not perfect at it by any means....but all of the things I am most proud of in my life have required a leap. Along the same lines, it is important to expect life to change your plans. I've been learning that I can and should do all the planning and hoping that my little heart can manage. Put all of that same little heart into working to get it and then trusting the rest to work itself out. Well...I serve myself best when I can maintain that attitude anyway. This posts theme song, Hang With Me sings all about this idea of expectations. That and I'm addicted to it. Enjoy. ps-I've started hyperlinking the songs, click on it to listen.

Michael and I

I am a comms nerd. One of the theories that I found most fascinating while studying media effects was parasocial theory. The premise of this theory is that through enough mediated interaction with an individual or media persona the process of relationship formation happens. It's like you know them. Aka, you form a parasocial relationship with someone you don't actually have any interpersonal interaction with. ......so, my confession is that I'm little bit in love with Michael Buble. He's my parasocial boyfriend. I know, it's not that original of a choice. But let me tell you why he is such a perfect one. His voice is like butter and he's a cute one. The best thing about Michael though, is that he sings to me the things I want to hear and he'll sing it over and over and over again, no matter how many times I need to hear it. Like the song Lost . It's like I can put him on repeat or something.....oh wait, I can. He is always there when I need him....just like he tells me in Hold On. So, there you have it. It's out there. Go ahead and judge if you will. Go ahead and pretend like you don't have your own parasocial relationship. I know Michael and I are going to be very happy together.....he just hasn't me yet! ....minus the part where he's married to someone else hahaha

It wasn't much...but I called it home.

Today, I am moving from my little studio on Grace street. I love my little studio. This breaks my heart a lot-a bit. I didn't necessarily love it when I first took it, but that probably is more a reflection of the context of when I first moved in one year ago.
Yes, this is a flashback moment. When I first moved to Chicago, I was subleasing a condo downtown. Which was awesome. My internship with Edelman was in full swing and taking up all of my time...so the end of my sublease snuck up on me really quickly. I only had a matter of days to find a new place....nobody I knew had room for a roommate...so this was the cheapest, safest little studio I could find. It was close the lake and the utilities were included in the rent.
I moved in with three pieces of luggage and a borrowed air mattress. A guy who saved me from taking the wrong bus to the south side said to me after hearing this story, "this sounds like the beginning of a chick flick." Hahahahahaha, I think it does too.
Slowly I began to get more things. My good friends drove my car out to me, full of my belongings. I bought dishes, a lamp, a chair, some art. I got a free futon...and a free bed....and somewhere along the way, it became home.
The reason for the feeling of home I think is the memories that have been made in this little studio. Friends and family have come to visit. I've had some pretty significant conversations in this place that have strengthened relationships that are very close to my heart. We've laughed, we've cried.
It was always my refuge. I always felt safe here and I will leave a little piece of my heart with it. Goodbye little studio on Grace street, you've been so good to me.
The song dedication for this post is: "This is Home" by Switchfoot.

Learning from (my) Mistakes

Everybody make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Well, that's what people say anyway.......but I'm not so sure they mean it. I feel like people can know that, and yet still not exhibit that understanding when someone does in fact make a mistake. I know I feel that way about myself for sure. People also say, you're your own worst critic....and I think they mean me specifically when they say that.
I just find that it can be hard to be patient with repeats. Like you touched the stove and got burned....so why would you touch it again? Uh Duh- It's still going to hurt this time too. It's almost like I can't help myself though. Between work, relationships, budgets and just life...there's a lot of room for error.
I think for me, part of the solution lies in finding other choices. It's kind of like when I'm trying to keep myself from snacking; it's a lot easier to keep from snacking when I don't just tell myself to not snack-but stick in a piece of gum or something. You get what I'm saying right? You've got to replace negatives with positives, you have to change behaviors. It starts by recognizing where you make a mistake. However, instead of me just beating myself up for doing something dumb, it's much more useful to take control and create actionable solutions to do instead of said dumb mistake.
It's like that saying from "The Secret Garden," where you plant a rose a thistle can not grow. ......besides...I always mean really well....so bless my heart I guess.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZIzJUrViY4

Utah, THE WEDDING, Washington, Home...and the Reunion

So this last month I got the chance to go back to Utah and hang out with my sister and her family. It was so good for the soul to be with them-I love my sister's kids so much! If you saw them....you would understand. Not only are they the most beautiful children I have seen...but they also are the sweetest. I can't even tell you how much I love being an aunt. Tea parties, dance parties and tickle fights.....yeah....it's the best. My sister Katherine is pretty great too-love her lots!
As it turns out I went to Utah for the wedding I had been dreaming of for the past year. No, not my own sadly....(someday right? quick somebody pat me on my knee and smile sympathetically!)...but two of my friends finally figured out that they were in love with each other and that they should do something about that! I was so happy to be able to be there for their wedding. Jessica was stunning and Dan looked so happy....it truly is a beautiful thing when people find love with their best friend. It just made me so happy to see the generous love that they have developed for each other. Watching them be sealed in the temple as they listened and smiled at each other-it warmed my heart to know that this is just the beginning of their love story. It only gets better from here Dan and Jess! ....or so I'm told.....I wouldn't really know....but I'm pretty confident that will be true for you.
After the wedding I flew out to Washington, to see more family and (gasp) to go to my High School reunion. I know....I'm surprised too. It was great to see my brothers, my sweet, darling sister Kristen and my Papa. It did me a lot of good to see them all. I love my family.
For that reason, (to spend most of the time with my family) I only went to the bbq in the park for my High School Reunion. It was nice to see my old friends and yes I meant old-I don't know how this happened to us....I swear we just graduated. Some things have changed...some have stayed the same. It's funny to see what time will do for people. To see one of the goofiest guys from my class now married with a baby and planning on going into the ministry. Who knew! It was fun. I really don't know why people get anxious about their High School Reunions-there's no need. I was happy to see everyone!
All in all a good showing for just one week! I got to see so many people that I love and return to the places that I have once called home. It was a good trip. This song dedication is for Dan and Jessica. It was the song they played for their first dance-and I think the words are a perfect foreshadowing of their future. I know you will both continue to grow in your love for each other! Love you both! Congrats again!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AtaZ_NU_tU
also.....I happen to love this song too.....

My One Year Anniversary

One year ago today I moved to Chicago, Illinois. I had about a week from the time I was offered the internship and my start date. The best I could manage for living arrangements was to sublease an amazing condo in the heart of downtown. The catch was that I couldn't move in until the night of the 21st...which was also the day I started work.
My flight didn't arrive until just before midnight in Chicago. I spent that night in a hotel by the airport. I had googled directions and had them printed out and left early. I was all dolled up and ready to take on this city. Except that it was raining....and I didn't pack an umbrella. I assumed that rain meant cold...but it didn't. So I was sweating in the humidity under my trench coat as I got soaking wet in the rain.
I got on the right train and got off at the right stop.....but from there I was confused. Aka lost. Which way was east Google?! There are no mountains-only buildings-how the crap am I supposed to know!? I asked three people for directions and each lead me astray. One person directed me to the AON center...which turned out to be the Thompson Center. Neat. I was frantically trying to get ahold of my contact in HR, because as you guessed it...I was late.
By the time I made it to the building and checked in....I was pretty much a hot mess and 45 minutes late. It wasn't necessarily an ideal cute meet for me and Chicago. However, it didn't take long for me to fall in love. Despite the terrifying walk to work each morning at 4:45 a.m. and taking wrong buses that put me in the projects.
Chicago Summer is amazing. Thursdays were my favorite. I'd get off work and go to my beloved Farmer's Market in the Daley Plaza. (I was committed to the Farmer's Market.) I would buy fresh produce and flowers. Then I would head to the Art Institute (free on Thursday nights) and wander through the gardens to the free concert in Millennium Park afterward. Fireworks at Navy Pier, walks along the Chicago River, random boat rides on the lake, Cubs games, road trips. It was a wonderful Summer.
Fall came and things began to change. I had moved from downtown to a quaint little neighborhood near Wrigley Field. My internship ended and a chill began to set in. It was a long, cold winter. It really was. We had Chiclone hit in the fall and the Chicago blizzard that shut down the city. I was job hunting, and temping. My friends brought my car to me...and the city welcomed it by ticketing it, towing it, breaking into it and stealing it.
Though it was often covered in snow, I could still see the beauty Chicago had to offer. The Chriskindle market, ice skating in Millennium Park, the Lincoln Zoo lights, dueling piano's, WICKED, and dance parties were all bright spots that warmed the soul. My love only grew stronger.
Now here it is Summer again. We've made it through tornado watches and the time for beach volleyball and bbq's is here. I started a new internship that I love and the sun is shining again....well most days. There have been highs and there have been lows, but we've worked through them. Chicago holds my heart for now and I am so happy to be here living my dream, one day at a time. Happy Anniversary Chicago, I love you!

Panic in Detroit

To be honest, I haven't even heard that song by David Bowie....but I did go to Detroit recently...and maybe there was a little element of panic. Road trips and adventure have begun-hello Summer 2011! I headed up north to Michigan with some friends to see what there was to see.
I think Detroit gets a bad wrap. It makes me sad how much has been abandoned in Detroit. It is a pretty cool city-I think it still has plenty to offer. We started out at Hitsville USA, the home of Motown! It was amazing. I totally recommend checking it out. It has been left much the same as it was when it was in its heyday. I loved it-plenty of memorabilia, history, and our tour guide was a great singer too. I was impressed! Then-at the end we got to sing in the actual Motown recording studio! Yes please! That pretty much made my life. I loved it.
We then went to downtown to try some famous coney dogs. We did a taste test between Lafayette and American Coney's, they were right next to each other....so that was pretty easy. Lafayette was the legit local place where they just crank you through. You are in and out. They start cleaning up after you and seating people at your table before you've had the chance to leave. Then there was American Coney's they were the more touristy yuppie place....and their chili dog was better, I gotta say, they won my vote.
We just stumbled upon the rest of our Detroit experience. It worked out really well. We started walking around Detroit and I thought a building looked cool so we went it. Turns out it's a tourist destination and was the cathedral of finance. One of the guys at the tourist shop gave me a list of things to check out. Turns out there was a major festival downtown so we went! On the way we saw all the major sites that are on the postcards for Detroit. It was great.
We then went to what was supposed to be an art festival in a park...pretty lame. But we then went and took some hipster photos in front of a cool looking church nearby and it turns out that it is the church with a hole in the roof. They let us go inside. It is the church that Mitch Album helped save and wrote about in his book, "Have a Little Faith".
We did a few other things but then decided that since we were so close to Canada...that we would make a run for the border, but we didn't have any papers with us...so we approached the border and filled up on gas. I went inside to use the little girls room and asked a cashier if they would let us back into the states...she said they wouldn't let us into Canada and that I couldn't buy the delicious chocolates that I was about to purchase. Curse. Oh wait, we just filled up on duty free gas....ah. So I explained what happened to someone working there and he said that it would be alright just when we got to the check point to tell them we made a mistake and that we need to get back to the states. So check point, success. He gave us a form we filled it out and told us to go to the guy at the fence. He then asks if we purchased anything, any food, gas, perfume, etc. My friend Lauren (bless her heart) then tells him that we bought gas. Doh. So he made us go to Canada because he wasn't "willing to lose his job other this". So we go over the bridge....and do some sweet talking and we were told to go around the corner and flip around....and we missed it. We accidentally really went into Canada. Oops. It's alright though-a little more sweet talking got us back to the USA. Glad to be back! and to not have been arrested.
The rest of the weekend we hung out in Ann Arbor-it was beautiful up there. As much as I love being in Chicago, it is nice to get outside the city too!
This song is a shout out to the Motown: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXKHMaoalB0
It may be my favorite AND it shows the recording studio of Motown!

One Year Older and Wiser...supposedly

So, it happened. I was kind of in denial that it would...but I got older. I was talking to a friend about this getting older business and he said something so spot on. It was something to this effect, "I feel like how I looked at the future and where I would be and what I would be doing and how I would feel at this point is like what the Jetsons let me think the future would be like. We thought by now there would be flying cars and other crazy space traveling stuff going on, but there's not. I totally thought I would feel like a grown up or have certain things in my life, but I don't and that's okay, we don't need flying cars." That's your shout out Frank!
This is true for me. Part of why I was sort of in denial about my birthday was because I was starting to feel like I wasn't keeping up with my age...and that I don't want to. I don't feel 28. I feel like I should still be an undergraduate, that the world is my oyster and that I can still live my dream of dropping everything and hopping on a plane to go backpack Europe.
It feels like there is a certain stage of my life that is coming to a close...and that's hard. Change is hard, not necessarily because better things aren't in store...but because we don't know what's in store. What we've had is all we know.
I feel like I've learned a lot about myself since my birthday...which is crazy...but true. I've really found myself taking a step back and looking at what I've held onto that I shouldn't. It's funny how we don't realize how holding on to certain things really just holds us back....but it's true in some cases. It's hard to change....I feel like I definitely have had growing pains when my birthday has come around for the last few years...but it's okay. Like a fine wine (cause I know how that goes....) or fine cheese (I don't really know anything about that either....)I just keep getting better with age. ;) Or at least, that's what I tell myself anyway.
It was a fun week, people let me feel special and let me know they were glad I was born. I had dinner with a few friends, some of my crew threw me a surprise bday dance party. (They know me well-I love to dance.) This weekend, I did have a birthday adventure and went north...but I think that story deserves a post all it's own.
So here's to a new year. It might as well be a good one. In fact....might as well go all in! Best year ever-coming up!
This song is dedicated to me...cause it was my birthday, okay? What?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvLTsJdX0V4

Patience...the Virtue

As it turns out, I am not always a patient woman. I mean to be, bless my heart....but I'm not.
Today, I left work a little early because I was trying to race the parking police to my car. The Cubs season has started again...which is great! ....and now I can't park in my neighborhood when they have home games at night because I have out of state plates...which is neat. Guess, how I know this fun fact. I was educated by the fine literature left on my car twice within 12 hours. Crazy pills. Fine literature, aka parking tickets.
So, this gets enforced starting at 5 p.m. I was supposed to have had a half day at work, so it wasn't going to be an issue to get home in time to move my car, but then they gave me more hours. Cool and not so much at the same time. So, I race out of work to chase after my bus that is just pulling away. I feel like the next one usually comes within like 5 maybe 10 minutes...but it didn't come for 20. I felt like I was going to have an aneurysm. As it turns out, Cubs game was cancelled today, so all was well even though I didn't get home until 5:15.
I was thinking to myself, how little patience I was exhibiting in this moment. I feel like learning patience has been the moral of the story of the last six months of my life. So, I was feeling like, "...man-I am weak, I should have plenty of patience. This is nothing considering all the job hunting, the car break-ins, repairs, theft, random accidents, health issues, and all that tricky boy-girl stuff that you have to deal with as a single. I would have thought that I would finally have developed patience by now" and then I realized that it's all gone. Curse.
For real though, this just keeps circling in my mind. It is such an interesing incongruity. You are supposed to be aquiring the varying thing that you are using up. I feel like this defies laws of economics. Yes? Yet, that is how it's grown, this virtue of patience.
In moments of self reflection, I have come to realize that most of my impatient moments are rooted in anxiety, fear and frustration. I want something that I can't have in that moment and evidently, don't trust everything to work out alright. Granted, sometimes things just are a mess and fall apart, so the fear is warranted, but not in a big picture sort of sense. Which is what patience is really most needed for.
I've been reading about this virtue in the scriptures, and have concluded from my reading that our ability to wait with patience is a relfection of our faith in the Lord. Our confidence that things will work out shows our trust in God. In 2 Timothy 1:7 we're told, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind." In Romans 5:3-5 the equation for patience is outlined, "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because of the love of God is shed aborad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."
So there you have it. It doesn't seem intuitive...and yet it adds up. I believe it. Now if only I were better at practicing it...
This song is one of my very favorites. You're welcome if I am introducing it to you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjfIiTlkSms&feature=related

When Life Has Different Plans For You

Life keeps catching me by surprise these days. It just doesn't look much like I thought it would. I tend to be a very goal oriented person. So, with the big things, I usually have a bit of a road map that I plan on following. Lately, it's just not working. I keep making a wrong turn....heading down one-ways, running into dead ends it feels like. In those moments, it's hard not to focus on the disappointment.
However, I have been reflecting on some of the more significant course corrections thus far in my life. I have been realizing that my disappointment has led to new opportunity. Some of the things that I am most proud of are the fruits of seeking new opportunity. My music, my book, my master's degree and my work with fighting child trafficking in Guatemala have all come about in this way. None of these things were in my plans, but they are some of what I consider my life highlights.
I'm realizing that I am doing a little bit of this right now. Career wise, I had the steps all laid out...and it hasn't quite worked out that way. But go ahead life, bring on the unexpected. It keeps it exciting I suppose, and who knows how I will reflect on this time of my life later. Maybe, I'll be able to list off another life highlight. The point is, that I am realizing that this moment of my life is not the end of my story, it's just a chapter. Just a part of the journey.
http://rosedogbooks-store.stores.yahoo.net/twmyexoftwph.html
....it's a little embarrasing...but I really like this Justin Bieber song. It's probably because I pray for a better day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9tJW9MDs2M

Dating Lessons Learned from the Bachelor

That's right! It's that time again. Another season of the bachelor has come and gone. What a season it was...they let Brad Womack make a come back. The last time around, he said he just didn't feel what he needed to feel. He didn't fall in love. So, he left the show alone. He was pretty much hated for it, everyone had seen him fall for Deanna supposedly. To be honest, I didn't watch that season. All the same, this time around, America fell back in love with Brad and Brad fell in love. Aw, so now he's the come back kid! Even though it's reality tv, we can all learn a few things from his experience.
First lesson comes from the background story of Brad. The first time around, he says he didn't fall in love. Nobody bought it. They saw him fall in love. He's gone to therapy for the last few years and realized he just wasn't emotionally available last go around. Sure he knew he wanted love in his life, but he wasn't willing to make himself vulnerable and let a woman in. At least that is what he says he and his therapist concluded. I reckon it's probably true, and I agree with it. Here is the first lesson: if you want love, you have to be open, you have to be emotionally available, you have to be vulnerable.
Next lesson: first impressions matter. If you were to take note of the three final girls and there first introduction to Brad, you would see that they all made an impact. In the case of Chantel...literally. (It's not recommended that you slap someone when you first meet them fyi. Just in case you didn't know that wasn't socially acceptable....it's not. Also, just a ps..she didn't end up winning.) The moment Brad saw his now fiance, Emily, he was smitten. It was obvious. So make your first moments count......with every single person you meet. Totally doable...
Next lesson: Stay classy and gracious. Girls were sent packing that couldn't keep their poise. It's just plain unattractive. Also, nobody wants to be bullied, you make think you're flirting....but make sure that you don't cross the abrasive line like Michelle did.
Next lesson: Don't prematurely force a bond by over sharing. Brad in his efforts to be open this season and let a woman into his heart lead to a lot more vulnerable conversations. These are great...in the right context...it's got to be part of your progression...if you're not progressing...don't try to force it by sharing something deeply personal from your past. Sure, you will have bonded...but you will be the only one. We saw that. In some instances Brad realized he just didn't care enough about the girl, even though she had developed "strong" feelings for him. Emily waited until there was a foundation before she shared her personal tragedy, look how it turned out for her. Just sayin....
Next lesson: keep a little mystery. I wouldn't go the extreme of wearing fangs...but Vampires have been pretty hot lately... Again though, the final three standing all made Brad work for it a bit.
Next lesson: The distinction is, they made him work for it a BIT. Nobody wants to fall in love alone. You need to give people enough to go on to feel safe in moving forward with you. Even though Brad was clearly smitten with Emily we saw him pull back when she raised some red flags. The key is that she quickly resolved his concerns. Who knows what would have happened if she hadn't...
So, there you have it. My analysis of this season. Like I'm some kind of expert on dating or something...but for whatever it's worth.