It's Happening Again....

.....I don't know how this keeps happening.....but it is. I'm getting older this week. For the love. Every year I keep hoping I won't, but it's just no use. My age just keeps going up. Vicious cycle. In effect...I usually start to panic. There are just so many things I want to do with my life. So many goals I have to accomplish. Places to go people to see....and so then I feel like I have to be able to cross something off the list. This started when I turned 25. I hopped on a plane and went to Guatemala to serve in an orphanage and then joined their board of directors. When I turned 26 I got a book published and went to India. When I turned 27 I did a sprint triathlon. 28...well, I let moving to Chicago count as the big to-do for that year. This year I got a full-time job in my field, so I think that counts for something...but I just needed something a little more. I have no exceptional talent...but I've always wanted to have some of my art displayed. So I turned my birthday celebration into that goal. My good friend, Jimmy was kind enough to turn his home into an art gallery. The lovely and talented Keryn played the harp, there were flowers and fancy cheese plates. It was lovely and it was a dream come true. I am so thankful to all of my friends for supporting me in checking something off my t-do list for life. I definitely feel like I can cross this one off. Now on to the plans for next year...I've got some big ones ;) Watch out for em! Honestly though, I really was just so touched that so many people pitched in to make it happen and that many others came to support. I have such wonderful people in my life and I hope you all know how grateful I am for you. This sounds a little like a New Years post I know...but that's kind of how I view it. It's a brand new year for me and I'm ready for some really good things...and I'm willing to work hard to get them!

Merry Christmas and 2011 Wrap Up!

So....it's been a little while since I posted. Life brought me a little more than I bargained for this last month,so I've been a little busy...and it's been AMAZING! Life can be so fickle. This time it was in really good ways-so don't get me wrong, I'll take it! But, seriously, I was just relating to a friend last night a memory from a year ago now. That's right-it's time for a flashback! A year ago, I was job-hunting, nannying and temping and living off oatmeal and ramen. I took a temp job because it paid really well for just four days of work. The job was a parking survey. So last freezing, snow covered Chicago December, I was walking through the ghetto, checking to see if people pay for parking while wearing a bright neon vest. I wasn't loving it....and then, as I was finishing a particularly sketch block this middle-aged guy came up to me trying to ask me out....and then some older guy in wheelchair (who clearly was not all there) approached me and started yelling-asking me, "Did you put the boot on my chair!?" while trying to attack me. The other guy who had been trying to ask me out wheeled my attacker away, all the while still trying to spit his game amid the obscenities of my false accuser. I just took off running. As I ran, I remember thinking, "What the crap is wrong with my life. I have a master's degree....I have a master's....I have a master's......." It was a good moment. A few days later I was running to catch a bus and ate it really hard on the ice. I mean really hard, like my shoes came flying off...went up in the air and landed on my backside. I wasn't sure if I'd broken my elbow or got a concussion and I couldn't afford to go to the Dr....I wasn't insured...(I did consult with a few of my friends that were in residencies...just for the record...) and I wasn't able to fly home to be with my family for Christmas and I was pretty sad about that. Flashforward, here it is a year later, I finally scored the ideal job, the one I've been holding out for. A full-time public relations position at a firm in downtown Chicago. Legit. Deep sigh....it feels so good. I can't even tell you. As if that wasn't enough goodness for me, I met this great guy! I know right? I found myself wondering, "who's life is this?" and he reminded me that it was mine :). Good things come to those who wait. Life is good right now and I am just so grateful to feel so grateful. I had hoped that by the end of 2011 I would have a full-time job and a good relationship. It took me until the end of November/beginning of December, but it happened. Who knows what life will bring this coming year? I don't pretend to, life can be so fickle, but I will take what I can for now and just enjoy it. Might as well! So my Christmas message to you is a message of hope. Things felt really dark and cold...and it was hard to keep hoping for things I wanted for a while.....so for anyone who may be in those circumstances right now I want to remind you (or share with you)

some words that comforted my longing heart. "Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." (Sunday Will Come, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin) "I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs, and that heavenly promises are always kept. I testify that God is our Father, that Jesus is the Christ, that this is the true and living gospel—found in this, the true and living Church. I testify that President Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God, our prophet for this hour and this day. I love him and sustain him as I know you do. In the words of the Liberty Jail prison-temple experience, my young friends, “Hold on thy way. . . . Fear not . . . , for God shall be with you forever and ever” (Lessons from Liberty Jail, Jeffrey R. Holland) I am so grateful to know that Christmas is the celebration of the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for his atonement and the peace, comfort, healing and hope that that knowledge brings to my life. I am so blessed to know it and I want you to know that I know it. Merry Christmas everyone. I'm wishing you lots of love and a hope for a great New Year! Here's a link for the video Christmas card my friends and I made this year. Enjoy! and seriously....Merry Christmas!

Somehow.....Someway......Someday

I've said it before....and I'm going to go ahead and say it again. Life just hasn't really gone much like I expected it to. At this point, it really doesn't look much like I thought it would either. Especially this whole moving to Chicago bit. It has been a doozie. So much of it I have loved....but I won't deny....it's had some rough moments for sure. I've been feeling it, but doing my very best to keep pushing forward. That's all you really can do. It reminds me of this time I was driving home from Utah to Washington. I was in my little beetle and I had already kind of hit some rough patches along the way....like running out of gas two miles outside of Boise in the middle of a hot summer day...you know little things. Maybe I took a wrong exit once....it's possible. It was my first time making the drive home alone and in my (then new to me) car. Don't judge me. At any rate, I was about two hours from home when out of nowhere a thick darkness loomed ahead. It was a storm of some sort...much like "The Nothing" in Never Ending Story. It was terrifying. I could barely see behind me and could barely see in front of me. With visibility like that I didn't feel safe pulling over, I was afraid I would get hit if I did. There was nothing else I could do, but just keep going, just following the headlights of the car in front of me the best I could. It felt like an eternity passed because I was so anxious, so worn down, but I made it through and it was back to a clear Summer day. I finally made it home. Life has definitely felt like hitting that storm all over again. Between job hunting, finances, matters of the heart, family and the other bits and pieces, I just haven't felt like I've had clear vision. I feel like I've been walking forward into the darkness. At times, I've really just felt like proverbially pulling over and trying to wait out the storm.....but life doesn't work that way. My personal motto has been this: Somehow....someway.....someday..... Things will work out. Maybe not like you plan....waiting doesn't always get you you're ideal...but: somehow, someway, someday, things work out. This morning I felt like I hit one of those "pull over!" moments....it was a rough morning. Then I got a call and an offer for a PR internship. Yes, please. Agreed, an internship is not my ideal. I would really, really, really love to have a full time gig. However, some opportunities just feel like the right chance to take. This is one of those. It started by accident. I was trolling for jobs...the usual, when I saw a posting with a firm I would really like to work for. But when I went to their website, the job wasn't listed. Strange. So I tweeted said firm and asked who I could send my resume to. They tweeted me back an email adderss. The email recipient told me that they were not hiring immediately but remembered me from my first internship here in Chicago and wanted to hear about how my career was going. So we talked and she said maybe come January if I was interested, they would be hiring again. I told her to keep me on her radar and kind of put it in on the back-burner in my mind. Then I got a call from the HR contact again last week telling me that an emergency had led to an immediate need for an intern hire. Less than a week later I went in yesterday for the interview and they offered me the internship today. So I said yes. So the story goes. Is my life complete now? Nope, still need and want some things. However, do I feel like somebody turned up the lights? Yes. I feel grateful, and I'm optimistic it will be a good fit, and I'm excited. As for the rest: somehow....someway.....someday. Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap is the song of the post. Enjoy. (yes it's hyperlinked)

Great Expectations

How does the story go for Pip? He get's these ideas in his head about how he thinks his life is going to go and what he expects from people....and then finds out he's wrong most of the time. Am I getting the gist right? I'm not necessarily going for a discourse on Dicken's literary work, however, I find my mind has been mulling over this thought today. Expectations. Expectation setting is a common theme you hear in a work setting. It's important to make sure that the people working with you know what their job role and responsibilities are. In our interpersonal relationships it is the same. Most tension is rooted in expectations not matching up. How can we possibly meet someone's needs if they don't communicate them? How will we know what really hurts or upsets someone if they don't share with you what those buttons are? We won't. So, my next question is this: how do you know when you have appropriate expectations of the people in your life? Are you setting yourself up for disappointment like Pip? There is of course a common base of social norms that you are pretty safe in expecting of others....but what about the rest? I think relationships are a lot like snowflakes in that they are all beautiful, intricate and unique. You can not make a cookie mold for how you interact with everyone in your life...or you shouldn't I don't think. It comes back to this question: how do you know? Communication is key, obviously...but even then, I don't think we are even fully cognizant of the expectations we set for ourselves and others. So naturally, when you ask a question looking outward, and you're weighing things in your mind, it often requires you to take a look inward. Are your expectations for yourself too great? Are you making allowances for yourself that you shouldn't? We all have our pet, "I'm just this way" qualities. Are those okay to have? If they're harmless, that's one thing, but ask yourself. As for expectations of this adventure of life...well, that is really tricky. In the words of my internship agency founder Leo Burnett, "When you reach for the stars, you may not reach them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either." I think so many of us sell ourselves short on what we are capable of accomplishing. I have found that I can do so much more than I ever thought I would. The trick is you have to learn to leap. I'm not perfect at it by any means....but all of the things I am most proud of in my life have required a leap. Along the same lines, it is important to expect life to change your plans. I've been learning that I can and should do all the planning and hoping that my little heart can manage. Put all of that same little heart into working to get it and then trusting the rest to work itself out. Well...I serve myself best when I can maintain that attitude anyway. This posts theme song, Hang With Me sings all about this idea of expectations. That and I'm addicted to it. Enjoy. ps-I've started hyperlinking the songs, click on it to listen.

Michael and I

I am a comms nerd. One of the theories that I found most fascinating while studying media effects was parasocial theory. The premise of this theory is that through enough mediated interaction with an individual or media persona the process of relationship formation happens. It's like you know them. Aka, you form a parasocial relationship with someone you don't actually have any interpersonal interaction with. ......so, my confession is that I'm little bit in love with Michael Buble. He's my parasocial boyfriend. I know, it's not that original of a choice. But let me tell you why he is such a perfect one. His voice is like butter and he's a cute one. The best thing about Michael though, is that he sings to me the things I want to hear and he'll sing it over and over and over again, no matter how many times I need to hear it. Like the song Lost . It's like I can put him on repeat or something.....oh wait, I can. He is always there when I need him....just like he tells me in Hold On. So, there you have it. It's out there. Go ahead and judge if you will. Go ahead and pretend like you don't have your own parasocial relationship. I know Michael and I are going to be very happy together.....he just hasn't me yet! ....minus the part where he's married to someone else hahaha

It wasn't much...but I called it home.

Today, I am moving from my little studio on Grace street. I love my little studio. This breaks my heart a lot-a bit. I didn't necessarily love it when I first took it, but that probably is more a reflection of the context of when I first moved in one year ago.
Yes, this is a flashback moment. When I first moved to Chicago, I was subleasing a condo downtown. Which was awesome. My internship with Edelman was in full swing and taking up all of my time...so the end of my sublease snuck up on me really quickly. I only had a matter of days to find a new place....nobody I knew had room for a roommate...so this was the cheapest, safest little studio I could find. It was close the lake and the utilities were included in the rent.
I moved in with three pieces of luggage and a borrowed air mattress. A guy who saved me from taking the wrong bus to the south side said to me after hearing this story, "this sounds like the beginning of a chick flick." Hahahahahaha, I think it does too.
Slowly I began to get more things. My good friends drove my car out to me, full of my belongings. I bought dishes, a lamp, a chair, some art. I got a free futon...and a free bed....and somewhere along the way, it became home.
The reason for the feeling of home I think is the memories that have been made in this little studio. Friends and family have come to visit. I've had some pretty significant conversations in this place that have strengthened relationships that are very close to my heart. We've laughed, we've cried.
It was always my refuge. I always felt safe here and I will leave a little piece of my heart with it. Goodbye little studio on Grace street, you've been so good to me.
The song dedication for this post is: "This is Home" by Switchfoot.

Learning from (my) Mistakes

Everybody make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Well, that's what people say anyway.......but I'm not so sure they mean it. I feel like people can know that, and yet still not exhibit that understanding when someone does in fact make a mistake. I know I feel that way about myself for sure. People also say, you're your own worst critic....and I think they mean me specifically when they say that.
I just find that it can be hard to be patient with repeats. Like you touched the stove and got burned....so why would you touch it again? Uh Duh- It's still going to hurt this time too. It's almost like I can't help myself though. Between work, relationships, budgets and just life...there's a lot of room for error.
I think for me, part of the solution lies in finding other choices. It's kind of like when I'm trying to keep myself from snacking; it's a lot easier to keep from snacking when I don't just tell myself to not snack-but stick in a piece of gum or something. You get what I'm saying right? You've got to replace negatives with positives, you have to change behaviors. It starts by recognizing where you make a mistake. However, instead of me just beating myself up for doing something dumb, it's much more useful to take control and create actionable solutions to do instead of said dumb mistake.
It's like that saying from "The Secret Garden," where you plant a rose a thistle can not grow. ......besides...I always mean really well....so bless my heart I guess.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZIzJUrViY4